Checking out...

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass...it is about learning to dance in the rain."

I have been a little overwhelmed the past two months, not only physically but emotionally. I reached a point where I felt I needed to simply "check out" from life for a while. No blogging, no Facebook, minimal emails, reduced outings, and only necessary phone calls. I found that home was the safest place for sanity. All of the others only seemed to be heavy reminders of what I was lacking.

I do not typically discuss the personal challenge I have faced to bring life into this world on our family blog. I usually save that topic for my other blog, "My Road to Motherhood"). But for some reason, today I feel it necessary to explain myself and my recent withdraw from the world. So on a serious note, here it goes...

I seem to be somewhat unavoidably surrounded by pregnant bellies and beautiful babies. I wish to say that I certainly have nothing but joy and happiness for each couple who has been blessed with such, but it doesn't mean that the joy and happiness for them can't be combined with a little personal heartbreak and sorrow. The longer I am left childless the harder it has become to plaster a smile on my face and act like I am stronger than I really am.

Going into hiding seemed to be an easier solution than facing the harsh reminders that seemed to tug at my heart almost daily. But even at home I found that I could not escape my circumstance. I would walk by the room I have verbally labeled "the future nursery" only to see it filled with nothing for a baby. I found a combination of laughter and tears as I have recently received sample packages in the mail of baby formula and diaper samples. Hummmmmm....obviously the sender of such "junk mail" knows more than me, because there is no little one to be found at our address.

It has become harder and harder to be patient and simply hand my circumstance over to the Lord, but in all reality that is about all I can do. We have diligently prayed not only for a child but by which means (IVF or adoption) we should go about to obtain such a "hoped for" desire. Each time the answer is clear and simple... "just wait, it's not time yet".

So that is what I am doing...waiting... and watching as practically everyone around me (of child bearing age) has their dreams fulfilled with their beautiful pregnant bellies, and cute little giggly babies. Even the sweet girls who have been on this infertile journey with me for sometime, have so deservingly, had their wishes granted and I have been left to walk the road alone.

In attempt to cope with my situation and the emotions that surround it, I simply took a break, withdrew, and "checked out" from the world (I know...not really like me at all). In hopes that when I returned I would be in a more stable state of mind. But what I have found is there is no stability in infertility; just hope, faith, and patience...lots of patience! Thank you for the countless prayers and sensitivity to my circumstance. It is often each of you that gives me strength to face, what sometimes must be faced. I am trying to learn to dance in the rain, in hopes that it might make my storm a little easier to endure. Thanks for all your understanding...

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